Gaslighting by a Narcissist: Is It Me, or Am I Being Gaslit?

When Someone Keeps Questioning Your Reality Until You Begin Questioning Yourself

By Dr. Bindu Babu

You know what you heard. You remember what happened. You know how it made you feel. So, you bring it up—not because you want to fight, but because something hurt you, and you want the person you love to understand.

But somehow, the conversation takes a turn. Suddenly, you're too sensitive. You're overreacting. You're remembering it wrong. You're making something out of nothing. Maybe you're even told you're crazy.

In an instant, you're no longer discussing what hurt you. Instead, you're defending yourself—your words, your tone, your memory, your feelings. By the end of the conversation, you find yourself apologizing. You walk away thinking,

How did that just happen?

When this happens repeatedly, another question creeps in: Maybe it really is me.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone repeatedly denies, twists, or dismisses your experience until you begin questioning your own memory, feelings, and perception of what happened. With someone who has strong narcissistic traits, gaslighting becomes a tool for avoiding responsibility and maintaining control.

You say, “That hurt me.” They respond by saying you're too sensitive. You question something they did, and suddenly, you're accused of being jealous, insecure, or even crazy. Instead of discussing their behavior, the conversation shifts to your reaction. After enough of these exchanges, something changes.

You stop questioning what they're doing and start questioning what's wrong with you.

Why Does Gaslighting by a Narcissist Happen?

Gaslighting occurs as a way for someone with strong narcissistic traits to avoid responsibility and maintain control. If the problem becomes your sensitivity, memory, jealousy, or reaction, the focus shifts away from their behavior and onto you. The less you trust yourself, the easier it becomes to look to the other person for validation—what happened, what is reasonable, and even how you should feel.

Perhaps the most confusing part is that the relationship wasn't always this way.

But It Wasn't Always Like This

This is what makes it so confusing. There may have been a time when you were showered with attention, affection, compliments, and love. You felt wanted, chosen, special. Maybe you were placed on a pedestal and treated like a queen.

So when everything begins to change, you're left wondering: How did we get from there to here?

You remember the person who adored you. You recall the affection, the laughter, the closeness, and the good times. You yearn to return to that place. So, you try harder.

Maybe if you're more patient. Maybe if you communicate differently. Maybe if you stop reacting. Maybe if you forgive one more time. Maybe if you love them enough, the person you fell in love with will return. And sometimes they do. For a while.

They're loving again. Attentive again. You see a glimpse of the person you remember and think: There you are. Hope returns.

You're not only holding onto the person in front of you. You're holding onto the person you remember. Somewhere in all that trying to get them back, you may not realize how much of yourself you're losing.

How Did I Become So Unsure of Myself?

You can be intelligent, educated, successful, independent, and strong—and still find yourself completely unsure of yourself in one relationship. You begin replaying conversations, saving messages, and taking screenshots. You try to remember exactly what happened.

Maybe you call someone you trust and ask: “Am I crazy?” But underneath that question lies something deeper: “Can I still trust myself?”

You didn't lose that trust overnight. It happened little by little. One conversation where you ended up apologizing. One feeling you were told was wrong. One boundary you moved. One more time you stayed quiet to keep the peace. Until eventually, their voice starts becoming your own.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

Maybe it really is me.

Perhaps that is one of the deepest wounds of gaslighting: You become so busy questioning yourself that you stop questioning what is happening to you.

Coming Back to Yourself

Not every disagreement is gaslighting, and not every difficult person is a narcissist. People misunderstand each other, remember things differently, and make mistakes. What matters is the repeated pattern—and what that pattern is doing to you.

Are you becoming afraid to speak? Do you constantly feel the need to explain yourself? Are you apologizing for being hurt? Are you becoming less sure of yourself?

Maybe healing begins by asking a different question. Instead of: How do I get the person I fell in love with back? ask: When did I stop trusting myself?

You may never get the apology you hoped for. You may never hear them admit that you were right or that what happened was real. But your healing cannot depend entirely on someone else finally validating your experience.

At some point, you may have to ask: Can I trust myself even if they never do?

And maybe the person you've been fighting so hard to get back isn't them. Maybe it's you.

The woman who trusted herself. The woman who listened when something didn't feel right. The woman who could love deeply without disappearing inside that love.

Your voice may have become quieter beneath all the explaining, apologizing, forgiving, hoping, and trying to get back to the good times. But it is still there.

Maybe healing begins when you stop questioning your truth and start trusting yourself again.

Embracing Your Journey

As you navigate this path, remember that healing is a journey. It is not linear, and it is not always easy. There will be days when you feel strong and empowered, and there will be days when self-doubt creeps back in.

Embrace each moment. Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of your emotions. Acknowledge your pain, but also celebrate your resilience. Each step you take toward reclaiming your truth is a step toward empowerment.

Dear Women

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About Dr. Bindu Babu

Dr. Bindu Babu, MD, PhD is an author, speaker, and advocate for women’s healing and empowerment. Her work focuses on helping women understand unhealthy and narcissistic relationship patterns, rebuild self-trust and self-worth, and reconnect with themselves after relationships that have left them questioning who they are.

Through her writing, Dear Women weekly letters, and private work, she explores relationships, emotional healing, self-love, consciousness, and the journey back to yourself. Her message is simple: healing is not only about what happened to you—it is about who you choose to become next.